Retirement Jokes Quotes:

Retirement is like a long vacation in Las Vegas. The goal is to enjoy it to the fullest, but not so fully that you run out of money.

- Jonathan Clements

topic: Running, Retirement, Vacation, Inspirational Retirement, Long Vacation

When you retire, you switch bosses - from the one who hired you to the one who married you.

- Gene Perret

topic: Retirement, Boss, Age, Funny Retirement, Retirement Card

I enjoy waking up and not having to go to work. So I do it three or four times a day.

- Gene Perret

topic: Success, Retirement, Age, Inspirational Retirement, Funny Retirement

When a man retires, his wife gets twice the husband but only half the income.

- Chi Chi Rodriguez

topic: Husband, Men, Wife, Inspirational Retirement, Retired Teacher

Retirement: It's nice to get out of the rat race, but you have to learn to get along with less cheese.

- Gene Perret

topic: Teacher, Retirement, Nice, Inspirational Retirement, Funny Retirement

Don't underestimate the value of Doing Nothing, of just going along, listening to all the things you can't hear, and not bothering.

- A. A. Milne

topic: Happiness, Appreciation, Retirement, Always Happy, Joy Happiness

Age is something that doesn't matter, unless you are a cheese. Age is strictly a case of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.

- Jack Benny

topic: Mind, Age, Matter, Humorous Birthday, Staying Young

The trouble with retirement is that you never get a day off.

- Abe Lemons

topic: Retirement, Days Off, Trouble, Inspirational Retirement, Funny Retirement

Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.

- Mark Twain

topic: Inspirational, Funny, Motivational, Humorous Birthday, Staying Young

Retirement: That's when you return from work one day and say, "Hi, Honey, I'm home - forever."

- Gene Perret

topic: Retirement, Home, Forever, Inspirational Retirement, Funny Retirement

A retired husband is often a wife's full-time job.

- Ella Harris

topic: Jobs, Husband, Wife, Inspirational Retirement, Funny Retirement

When some people retire, it's going to be mighty hard to be able to tell the difference.

- Virginia Graham

topic: Differences, People, Age, Retirement Farewell, Retirement Humor

Age is only a number, a cipher for the records. A man can't retire his experience. He must use it. Experience achieves more with less energy and time.

- Bernard Baruch

topic: Teacher, Retirement, Numbers, Ciphers, Inspirational Retirement

Golf is played by twenty million mature American men whose wives think they are out having fun.

- Jim Bishop

topic: Funny, Retirement, Native American, Inspirational Golf, Motivational Golf

The question isn't at what age I want to retire, it's at what income.

- George Foreman

topic: Sports, Age, Income, Inspirational Retirement, Funny Retirement

A man can't retire his experience.

- Bernard Baruch

topic: Men, Experience, Retiring, Ciphers, Inspirational Retirement

I'm now as free as the breeze - with roughly the same income.

- Gene Perret

topic: Teacher, Retirement, Income, Funny Retirement, Retirement Humor

Middle age is when work is a lot less fun and fun is a lot more work.

- Laurence J. Peter

topic: Retirement, Fun, Age, Retirement Age, Retirement Card

You know you're getting old when work is a lot less fun and fun is a lot more work.

- Joan Rivers

topic: Fun, Aging, Getting Old, Funny Retirement, Middle Ages

Retirement kills more people than hard work ever did.

- Malcolm Forbes

topic: Retirement, Hard Work, People, Inspirational Retirement, Retirement Farewell

Retirement means no pressure, no stress, no heartache... unless you play golf.

- Gene Perret

topic: Inspirational, Retirement, Stress, Inspirational Retirement, Funny Retirement

I was thinking Im going to die but I'm not going to tap

- Lyoto Machida

topic: Thinking, Inspirational Retirement, Retirement Age, Retirement Card, Retirement Farewell

Retired is being tired twice, I've thought, first tired of working, then tired of not.

- Richard Armour

topic: Teacher, Retirement, Tired, Funny Retirement, Retired Teacher

When a man retires and time is no longer a matter of urgent importance, his colleagues generally present him with a watch.

- R. C. Sherriff

topic: Men, Age, Matter, Inspirational Retirement, Retirement Card

Forever, and forever, farewell, Cassius! If we do meet again, why, we shall smile; If not, why then this parting was well made.

- William Shakespeare

source: 'Julius Caesar' (1599) act 5, sc. 1, l. 118

topic: Retirement, Farewell, Forever, Cassius, Parting

The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing at you.

- Phyllis Diller

topic: Retirement, Real, Golf, Funny Golf, Funny Golfing

Rest is not idleness, and to lie sometimes on the grass under trees on a summer's day, listening to the murmur of the water, or watching the clouds float across the sky, is by no means a waste of time.

- John Lubbock

topic: Inspirational, Success, Summer, Inspirational Nature, Inspirational Retirement

Sometimes it's important to work for that pot of gold. But other times it's essential to take time off and to make sure that your most important decision in the day simply consists of choosing which color to slide down on the rainbow

- Douglas Pagels

source: Alin Austin, Douglas Pagels (1993). “100 Things to Always Remember-- and One Thing to Never Forget”, Blue Mountain Arts

topic: Stress, Color, Rainbow, Inspirational Retirement, Inspirational Stress Relief

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

- Steven Wright

topic: Funny, Hilarious, Sarcastic, Life Humor, Funny Jokes

Retirement is wonderful. It's doing nothing without worrying about getting caught at it.

- Gene Perret

topic: Retirement, Worry, Age, Inspirational Retirement, Funny Retirement

You're only young once, but you can be immature forever.

- Germaine Greer

topic: Life, Happy Birthday, Happiness, Humorous Birthday, Mature And Immature

Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save.

- Will Rogers

topic: Funny, Life, Wisdom, Managing Time, Time Spent

There's one thing I always wanted to do before I quit... Retire!

- Groucho Marx

source: "Fictional character: Captain Jeffrey Spaulding". "Animal Crackers", August 20, 1930.

topic: Retirement, Work, Age, Retired Teacher, Retirement Farewell

In my retirement I go for a short swim at least once or twice every day. It's either that or buy a new golf ball.

- Gene Perret

topic: Teacher, Retirement, Golf, Funny Retirement, Motivational Swimming

Sooner or later I'm going to die, but I'm not going to retire.

- Margaret Mead

source: Interview in Los Angeles on the occasion of her 75th birthday as quoted in "Newsweek", Volume 88 (p. 157), December 1976.

topic: Retirement, Retiring, Sooner Or Later, Inspirational Retirement, Retirement Age

Few men of action have been able to make a graceful exit at the appropriate time.

- Malcolm Muggeridge

topic: Retirement, Age, Able, Funny Retirement, Retirement Farewell

When men reach their sixties and retire, they go to pieces. Women go right on cooking.

- Gail Sheehy

topic: Funny, Teacher, Witty, Inspirational Retirement, Retirement Farewell

There's an enormous number of managers who have retired on the job.

- Peter Drucker

topic: Retirement, Jobs, Business, Funny Retirement, Funny Boss

Don't play too much golf. Two rounds a day are plenty.

- Harry Vardon

topic: Funny, Golf, Play, Inspirational Golf, Funny Retirement

When one door closes, another opens; but we often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door that we do not see the one which has opened for us.

- Alexander Graham Bell

topic: Love, Inspirational, Life, Life Wisdom, Job Opportunities

If you drink don't drive. Don't even putt.

- Dean Martin

source: "Famous drinkers" by Rob Parker, www.theguardian.com. April 18, 2004.

topic: Drinking, Book, Beer, Funny Sarcastic, Inspirational Golf

Golf is a day spent in a round of strenuous idleness.

- William Wordsworth

topic: Sports, Retirement, Golf, Inspirational Golf, Funny Retirement

I intend to live forever. So far, so good. - T-SHIRT

- Darynda Jones

source: Darynda Jones (2013). “Fifth Grave Past the Light”, p.21, St. Martin's Press

topic: Funny, Birthday, Humorous, Life Humor, Funny Jokes

Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life.

- H. H. Asquith

source: In Observer 15 Apr. 1923

topic: Birthday, Would Be, Littles, Funny Retirement, Wise Birthday

If people concentrated on the really important things in life, there'd be a shortage of fishing poles.

- Doug Larson

topic: Stress, Fishing, People, Hunting And Fishing, Stress And Life